MOVING FORWARD AFTER HEALING…..

When I put in the work, 6 years of dedication to becoming a better person, I finally hit this point after breaking up with shainne, I felt like I put in some much work that I was in a place where I seen things from a whole new light and I was so shocked at how much I tolerated from those around me, whether it be friendships, relationships, family around me, how afraid I was to use my voice and stand strong in my boundaries, it was a really uncomfortable feeling, I started dating which was hard with two children and little to no support, I had murrays parents but it just didn’t feel morally correct and the mum guilt over rode any feeling of wanting to date, I squeezed in dates where I could and conversations where I could but I finally hit a point where I wasn’t desperate of love any longer, I was so whole that I wasn’t going to settle due to the mater of a fact of wanting to be held or fit into the box of the social norms, sure I had a part of me that craved that picket white fence marriage, to have a partner whos my bestfriend, go away on holidays and be content in each others company with the kids but I come to terms with the fact its not only my life but its my children’s too and they deserve that time, just on a journey of completely trusting the process and leaning into the guidance of my intuition, if I have had anything that’s stuck out to me more throughout this process its just how important it is to love yourself and how you cant love somebody else until you love yourself because when you love yourself you stand for something you have worth and you know what your worth is, when you have no self love you have nothing to stand for and then indeed you fall for anything 

I found myself for so many years competing with peoples childhoods or addictions, like a desperate need to help them reach their full potential but something else I learnt about potential was just an imagery of what I would do if I were in that position, it was all more about myself then it was about anyone else, because what is love ? it was definitely nothing I had experienced, I was just consumed with hurt people hurting people aka myself, ignoring red flags and excepting apologies without changed behaviour mistaking the feeling of desperation to be loved seen and heard as love, when in fact iv come to realise love is a choice